


All My Loves

by Huntress79, ncdover1285



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Case Fic, Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Use Their Words, F/M, Human Jack, M/M, No Apocalypse, Protective Bobby Singer, Wincest Big Bang 2019 (Supernatural), angels learn to play nice, au where jack is claire's son, bobby understands, hunter's diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-24 11:56:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21099062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huntress79/pseuds/Huntress79, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ncdover1285/pseuds/ncdover1285
Summary: Fic:ncdover1285Art:Huntress79They say that we fall in love with three people over our lifetime, each one for a specific reason. Each person that we fall in love with is something that we are seeking at that particular time in our lives.  Dean has been falling for Sammy in many different ways over the years, for as long as he can remember. How could he possibly have three loves? So he sits down to think it through and decides that while he may have had three loves in his life, he has never stopped loving his Sammy, and never will.Written for the Wincest Big Bang 2019





	1. Life And Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is a labor of love for me (ncdover1285). I had to drop out last year, and it has taken me two years to complete. Huntress79 made some amazing art for this story and I just want to say thank you to her. Also I have had the pleasure of four wonderful betas for this fic. Thank you ladies, I definitely wouldn't have made it without your help. I hope that you all enjoy this fic and please comment and leave kudos if that is the case. It means the world to me.

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/77/b2/uaq7dk2i_o.jpg)

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Sometimes the love you aren’t looking for can sneak up on you!

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[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/ce/4e/prwazlzS_o.jpg)

They say that we fall in love three times within our lifetime; I’m not so sure about that, but they also say that each one is for a different reason and that they are exactly what we need at the time, whether we actually want to admit it or not. These people will range from your first puppy love through a deep all consuming love that will shake you to your core and move you to make life altering decisions. Now, whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing has still yet to be decided. I mean what if love turns you into someone that you don’t even know, or better yet, someone that you don’t want to know. It doesn’t matter anyway because I don’t have time for love. 

I have to take care of Sammy, I mean, it’s what I’ve always done, so I have to, I mean I want to. I take care of dad when he comes home after a long hunt or after a night out drinking, but that’s what any good son would do right? I go on a few hunts with dad because I have to learn the family business. He won’t be around forever, and Sammy doesn’t want to do it, so that leaves me to carry on. I know the hunter’s life is usually accompanied by a lot of drinking, a short life span, an ever growing police record, and a lonely existence. 

No, I really don’t have time for love. I’m not even sure I would even know what romantic love was; I am always busy with my family. They love me even if we don’t say the words very often, but I don’t think that this is the kind of love that they are talking about when they talk about love. Well, at least it shouldn’t be.

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced any kind of love other than the love of family, and even that is slightly screwed up. I mean, my dad has never really been around but yet I follow him almost blindly. My mom died when I was only four years old and with both of them out of the picture I was left to raise my baby brother from the time I was old enough to pour the milk into a cereal bowl. And that’s leaving out our crazy lifestyle. Although, it is kind of hard to overlook monsters coming at you from every direction at least once a week and moving schools every month or more. 

I still don’t know how Sammy has been able to keep his grades up. I never really get that involved with anything in the places that we stay. I have “girlfriends” but they don’t amount to much. I’m seventeen, I mean, a guy has to do what a guy has to do. I usually don’t get much farther than their first name, I’m not really sticking around so who needs to know the rest. We have a little fun, they get to be with the bad boy in the leather jacket and I get to enjoy myself every now and then. Sammy though, he doesn’t do things like that. I know, he’s only thirteen but he acts like he never even notices the girls, or even the guys at the different schools that we have been to. He’s not a bad looking kid and the girls definitely notice him, but he just keeps his head down and studies. Well, that or spends his time with me doing drills and target practice. 

Don’t get me wrong, the drills that dad has us doing are helping to improve our hunting skills. We run, a lot, two miles in the morning and another two miles before bed. We spar to improve our fighting skills, enough in fact, that even at thirteen I would guarantee you there are very few men walking the earth that could take on Sammy. He even ends up pinning me sometimes. Don’t get me started on how annoying that is, but this also makes me proud. It makes me think that he would be able to take care of himself if I wasn’t around to kick some bully’s ass for making fun of him for studying extra hard or wearing my hand-me-downs. I’m not as afraid as I used to be that someone would actually hurt him. Now if I didn’t have to worry about the supernatural bull crap that we deal with having a special draw towards him, my life would be easier. 

It seem that all the baddies that we go up against want to take him, turn him, anything they do is always geared toward him. This is one way that I was able to convince our dad not to bring him along on our hunts until he was older. I don’t know how long it will work, but for now he is safe and that’s what matters the most to me. I don’t really worry about myself that much, and dad, well I worry about him too. It’s just different than how I worry about Sammy. If something happened to dad, me and Sammy would make it, I mean, we have pretty much been on our own forever. If something happened to Sammy I’m not even sure I could make it a day without him. He’s been my entire universe for as long as I can remember and I don’t even want to think about what would happen to me if something happened to him. I understand how some of the disgruntled spirits we fight came to be, parents who lose a child then lose their minds and kill themselves. I can see it, I understand it. That is why we have to keep practicing, keep up with our training that dad has us doing every day.

When we aren’t doing our duty for dad, we get to hang out in the motel of the week and watch corny old westerns and horror movies that we can sit and laugh our way through. I think that these might be some of my favorite times, when it’s only the two of us. Sammy always says it’s me and him against the world. He doesn’t get it though, he’s a teenager now for real. He is starting to figure out things that he likes and he isn’t going to want his big brother hanging around all the time. Then it’ll be him against the world, with his big brother hanging out in the corner in case he needs help. I would never bail on him though, if he ever needed me, I would be there giving it my two hundred percent. I’m not sure that he really knows that, but after all, how do you tell a thirteen year old something like that?

Dad is going to start sending me on even more hunts soon. I’m getting my GED at night because I quit going to classes during the day. Sammy is getting old enough to stay by himself more now so we could double the hunts that we can cover. Sammy still tries to act like the world is butterflies and roses, and me, I just can’t do that anymore, maybe I’m jaded. I know what is out there, the big nasty things that really are lurking in the closet or under the bed. Sammy does too but he still tries to find the normal in everything. 

I don’t know how he could think anything about our life is normal. It’s not normal for vampires and ghouls and wendigos to fear you because of your family name. It isn’t normal to constantly keep moving around the country chasing down these monsters. It isn’t normal to have two teenage boys going through all the changes of becoming adults while sharing a full-size bed most of the time. I mean occasionally we get a break and dad can afford two queens but that's usually only when he is staying too and he sleeps in one and me and Sammy are still stuck together in the other. These nights are still easier to avoid the awkward morning boners. When we are stuck in the full-size beds, usually one of us wakes up with morning wood rubbed up against a leg or their backside, those are the most awkward times. We just carry on in true Winchester fashion and pretend it didn’t happen or harass each other for a few minutes and then whichever of us it is, runs off to the bathroom to take care of the problem.

The times that I have to run off to take care of the issue, this is when it is most apparent that I am anything but normal. If I were, when I went for my morning jack off session I would picture the round breasts and perfect asses of the chicks in my most recent Busty Asian Beauties magazine which I steal almost religiously. The problem is, it isn’t the little beauties that I see when I close my eyes and focus on finishing myself off as fast as possible so I can run out and get breakfast before Sammy or dad look too closely at me. I feel like they can see my sickness, my perversion, the just plain want written all over my face. No, I don’t see the tan skin and dark hair that belong to the girls in my magazines, I see shaggy light brown hair and dimples, gangly arms and long legs. 

Yes, I might have a problem, because the only person I see when I get myself off is my baby brother. This didn’t start as something perverse with him; I don’t think, because I didn’t think of him this way until his body started changing. I would never want to hurt my brother, so I have to keep this to myself. Usually on these days I go off and find a flirty waitress or a witness that is just so grateful that we saved her from whatever bad thing was in the area and take care of my problem. No, I’m definitely not normal, because if I was I would enjoy these hookups, but I don’t. I always feel so bad afterwards, like I used these girls. They aren’t what my body wants, hell they aren’t even what my heart wants. They don’t know me, no one really can, well no one besides Sammy and he’s the one person I can never have. 

This right here is why I am anything but normal, this is the real reason I can never find love. I am absolutely positive I could make time for it, I could probably even find another hunter to be with and then they would be as safe as anyone dealing with the supernatural could be, but they wouldn’t be Sammy. I have to try to get past this, if I’m going to survive this life. I can’t be hung up on my brother. It’s probably something I could get over if I could just spend a little time out of his hip pocket. I mean I have been there since he was born, it isn’t my fault we were always stuck together in the Impala and every roadside motel room between Virginia and California. 

That’s what I will do, I’m going to get my GED and start hunting. If I’m not around Sammy as much then I can find someone that I can be happy with, maybe another hunter, yeah that sounds good.


	2. First Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “First Love: This love often happens at a young age. You eventually grow apart or call it quits over silly things.  
When you get older you may look back and think it wasn’t love.  
But the truth is, it was. It was love for what you knew love to be.  
Remember: There are different depths of love.”

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/ac/be/mcmvzeWv_o.jpg)

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[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/69/b0/qUyTw0nj_o.jpg)

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Well I think I need to make this a little more organized. I mean I’m the only one going to see it, but what if one day I want to look back through my journal. I don’t know what days I wrote what in here. Hell, I don’t even know what year I wrote some of this. So, starting today I’m putting dates of entries. 

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/02/ea/Fbg2KnXZ_o.jpg)

Sammy consumes my entire life. Now most teenagers would complain about this, but at eighteen I have pretty much gotten used to the idea that I am raising my baby brother. It isn’t like anyone else could do it, not that I would want them to, but they just wouldn’t be able to do a good enough job of keeping Sammy safe. No, I am Sammy’s best option, even if I am a little messed up in some areas. I got my GED so that dad would take me on more hunts and I could try to work whatever this thing with Sammy is out of my system. That worked for about two weeks until some asshole at the motel realized Sam was the only one coming and going. Sammy called in a panic and said the guy had told him that if he didn’t speak to a guardian the next day that he was calling Child Protective Services. Dad sent me racing back to Sammy so he would be able to finish his schooling under his legal name. Sam worries about things like that. I wouldn’t have cared to just pack up, move and take a fake name to keep another set of authorities off our backs, but Sam has worked hard for his GPA and the academic awards that he has gained along the way. I don't want to risk him losing that, it means too much to him, so it means more to me because of that. It doesn’t matter though. I can do this, I don’t have to give in to these crazy emotions. God, I sound like a girl right now.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/a0/06/UCcSEYbr_o.jpg)

So I am trying to keep myself distracted. It’s been a couple of months since I came back early from the hunt with dad. I’ve been going crazy at the motel with Sam. He informed me the other day that Sammy is a chubby twelve year old and that he wants to be called Sam now. He still likes it when I call him Sammy though, I can see it in his face. He gets all flustered and his cheeks get pink. Well, what I can see of them anyway, because he’s hiding behind his long hair more often than not these days. Sammy turns fourteen next week, I wonder if he would want to go on a hunt to celebrate? The hunting community seems to view fourteen as some magic number, but we started way before anyone in the community would have approved of anyway. He probably wouldn’t like that idea, he doesn’t really like the whole hunting thing. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to find another way for us to celebrate.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/48/5b/18ZD6oww_o.jpg)

So I decided that we shouldn’t do a hunt on Sam’s birthday, even though it would be a great start to a weekend. You never know how long a hunt can take and he’s only got three weeks left of school this year. It’s going to be so hard to handle whatever is wrong with me once school’s out and he’s around all the time. When it’s hot outside the boy never wants to wear clothes, I swear the hunting genes must have completely skipped him. When you have no clothing on, you are more vulnerable and have fewer places to hide weapons. But anyway, I decided on taking Sam to the lake close by where we have been staying for the last several months to celebrate his birthday. I’ve bought a couple six packs and I’m picking him up from school tomorrow and heading out for the weekend.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/a6/4e/QkeVX2rm_o.jpg)

We CANNOT, I repeat CANNOT, do that again. I have gotten pretty good at keeping my actions in check, even if I have been drinking. The only problem is, I didn’t count on my pain in the ass little brother to take advantage of the remoteness of the part of the lake that we went to. He went skinny dipping for Christ’s sake! I didn’t, but my swimsuit was still not able to hide the reaction it caused seeing him strut around in his freaking birthday suit. When I said something to him, he just gave me a questioning look and said it was his birthday so it was okay. Apparently, alcohol makes him even more stubborn, and an exhibitionist. The weird thing is, I swear that he was looking at me an awful lot this weekend. I caught him just watching me while he was “sunning his back.” It was like he was just spacing out staring at me. When I asked him about it he just said he was tired and turned about eight shades of red. I must be imagining things right? Right!

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/e7/64/fbuitm7C_o.jpg)

Sammy’s eighth grade graduation is tomorrow. We are going to be leaving this crappy little town next week. We just have to tie up a few loose ends here, his graduation, working out my notice at the garage and finishing up the research for the hunt a state over that dad called us about. So much for avoiding hunting for Sammy’s birthday, even though it’s a few weeks late. There is a witch calling our name. Well not really, but she is placing truth spells on unsuspecting people in backwater Kentucky. It’s causing quite the mess as it seems she only wants to cast the spell on men who have been unfaithful to their wives. This has to wait though, because Sammy wants to celebrate tomorrow night. I think it will be safe to have alcohol since we won’t be around water and we won’t be out in the wilderness. Wish me luck, God knows I can’t refuse the puppy dog eyes.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/7f/f4/Vn6kawRx_o.jpg)

Okay, maybe it doesn’t matter that we weren’t out in the wild or that there was no lake around. It turns out Sammy likes the pool here at the motel just as well. Graduation was awesome, I’m so proud of him. Did you know they have valedictorians for eighth grade graduation? No, me neither. Apparently they do though, and Sammy boy, he was it. I can’t believe it! Actually, I can, he’s so freaking smart! Dad wasn’t here. I didn’t expect him to be, but I think Sammy did. The minute we got back to the motel he started drinking, and bitching about dad never being there for anything that’s important. After about his fourth beer he decided the pool was a good idea, even though he could barely stand up. I mean he’s still just fourteen even if he is a hunter, and he still has a really low tolerance compared to me. Apparently he is a touchy-feely drunk as well, I know we are already very tactile, but this was a lot even for us. I swear, touching my shoulder, my back, my arm, whatever was in reach, he probably would have been holding my hand if I hadn’t freaked out and told him that we had to get back to the room and then hid once we did. When I came out of the bathroom, he was passed out across his bed, still in his swimsuit by the way, with his drippy hair having dried to his face. He looks so innocent like this and it reminds me of what a freak that I really am. 

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/13/28/vBXpAVCD_o.jpg)

We are leaving in a few minutes, everything is already packed and what research that we could do here is done and we are heading to Kentucky. I don’t know why, but I’m nervous about this case. Maybe I’m nervous because this witch is all about the truth and I have so much that I have to keep hidden. Man, I freaking hate witches!

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/87/22/iqnsxQxF_o.jpg)

We found her, the witch, she did something to Sam. It’s always Sam, at least with this curse I’m glad it wasn’t me. He has been locked in the bedroom for two hours since we got back. He only told me that she got him with the truth spell and then clammed up so tight that I would have thought his lips had been sewn shut if I didn’t know better.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/ad/6b/0RltqMYD_o.jpg)

Okay he still hasn’t left the bedroom, but I did get him to talk to me for about three whole minutes. When I asked him to come out and talk to me he kept telling me that he couldn’t and finally when I asked him why, he told me that he would say something that would ruin everything between us. Then he asked me to please not ask what it was because he wouldn’t be able to lie to me and that it would destroy any respect that I had for him. I didn’t ask, I turned into the world’s biggest chicken and turned from the door. What could possibly be so bad? I mean, my secret, yeah that could do some serious damage. Sammy though, the worst thing I can think of is that he hates me or something, maybe he wants to run away, that would probably devastate me. Six hours is a long time to be locked in your room only coming out to go straight to the bathroom or to grab the food that I made him and then hightail it right back behind his closed door. I think I’m going to try to talk to him again in the morning. I’m going to try and go out and get this witch, then maybe Sammy can come back out of the bedroom. I can’t stand seeing him like this, it’s like he’s afraid to be around me. 

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/a7/7e/GHiENQRw_o.jpg)

I found her again, but I didn’t kill her. I tried to, she was just too sneaky with me being alone. She did tell me that I needed to ask Sammy what his big secret was, and that if he told it to the person that it involved that it would break the spell. I’m honestly too scared to go in the motel room and tell him what she said. He obviously doesn’t want to tell me whatever it is, so it probably has to do with me and he said it would destroy us, so I really don’t think I want to hear whatever it is. 

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/8d/0a/vPsoYkSZ_o.jpg)

Okay, I have been avoiding Sammy since the night before last. That witch really messed with my head, but thanks to a good fake ID and a rather large bottle of hunter’s helper, I think I got it straightened out. I’ve come to the realization that we have to break this curse, before it breaks us. I just have to brace myself and ask him what it is that he thinks will destroy us. Then whatever it is, we will work through it and then go on. I can prove him wrong, nothing could push me away. I’m just going to go in there and ask him. Yeah, here I go, wish me luck.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/d3/05/cV4PrTSc_o.jpg)

Holy Shit! What just happened? Okay, I just have to calm down, I didn’t do anything he didn’t want, and holy shit how insane is that? Let me start from the beginning, we broke the curse. There is no way possible that he could have been any more wrong about his secret making me hate him. He still had the door locked, so I sat down next to it and just listened for a few minutes. 

I thought his crying and rambling would kill me. He just kept saying that he was stupid and that he was a freak, but my baby brother has always wanted to blend in with the other kids in every town we have been in, and he has always prided himself on his intelligence. So to hear him putting himself down this way was extremely hard on me. 

I just asked him, flat out, no beating around the bush, what this secret was that he was keeping from me. His answering “ I love you.” was muffled and came from just the other side of the door. With my mind going nine thousand miles a minute and my heart beating even faster than that, I tried to figure out why that would ruin us. He’s my brother, he’s supposed to love me. 

Then, something in my brain clicked, and I couldn’t believe it. Surely, this couldn’t be right. My perverseness must have been more noticeable than I thought. Oh my god, what have I done to him? I might have been freaking out a little, but his whimpers stopped my melt down in its tracks. 

He really didn’t know. He really thought that this would ruin us, and the worst part was that I couldn’t blame him, because that was the very reason that I was glad it was him who had been cursed. I had been thinking the same thing. 

I finally got him to open the door and my amazingly beautiful baby brother was huddled on the other side, wrapped in a blanket trying to make himself small enough to be unseen and I couldn’t have that. Sitting down beside him along the wall, I couldn’t help but pull him into a hug and hold him. He kept crying and apologizing. 

I tried to quiet him, telling him he wasn’t a freak and that I didn’t hate him. He wouldn’t stop though, so I did something. It may have been stupid and reckless, and it may come back to bite me in the ass, but I kissed him. The taste of Sammy is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to really describe, or recreate. He stopped crying, and talking, he just looked at me. Then he snuggled into my arms and passed out. 

This morning I woke up from sleeping in the corner with a blanket covering me, but I was alone. I would have panicked but there was a note saying he wasn’t sorry and I could smell breakfast cooking in the kitchen. I guess I’m going to see how he’s doing this morning. No need to work myself up until I know where we stand, but we’re going to have a lot to talk about.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/ca/ff/eX7HWEYf_o.jpg)

Hey, I can’t believe I found this old journal. It was tucked into some old clothes and books that we had left here at Bobby’s. I should probably make a few notes about what’s happened over the last four years. Sammy and me, we were fine, at least for a while. I mean, we’re brothers, so we are going to argue and stuff. The fights Sam had with Dad got really bad, especially about how close me and Sammy were. 

When dad started threatening to send Sam to Bobby and me with Caleb, I finally stepped in. I told him that I was over eighteen and that he couldn’t send me away, that I had raised Sammy his whole life and that it was his fault we were as close as we were. That night I went to bed with a black eye and still smelling of the beer that he had thrown at me, even after I had finished showering. I heard the door slam and Baby roar out of the parking lot. I hurried through my shower and went to find Sammy. 

This was last year, he was already seventeen and had really started growing into his long arms and legs. He held me that night until I passed out. The next morning I was in my bed, he was in his, and dad was gone. There was a note on the table, however, telling me to take Sammy to Bobby and meet him in Georgia; some ghost of a slave or something was in need of hunting. 

This was too much like him keeping his threat to seperate us. I started taking more side hunts away from dad and Sammy, I did solo hunts and went with Caleb on a few. Dad never questioned why I wasn’t hunting with him as much, he was just happy that I was away from Sammy. Sam was full of questions though, I just told him that we had to back off for a while, and that he would be eighteen soon and then we could just get away from dad. He just looked at me and said “yeah, Dean, okay.” This was the beginning of the end for us. I may have been putting some separation between us, but Sammy is the master of the cold shoulder. He started treating me the same way he did dad, only talking to me when he had to. This was eight months ago, and it only got worse as time went on. 

This brings me to why I was at Bobby’s and how I found the journal. He left me, well I guess he just left in general, but it feels like he gave up on me. He went to college, I’m so proud of him. He got a full ride to one of those ivy league joints. Dad was pissed, he told him that if he left to never come back. Sammy just looked at me and walked out the door. When dad passed out for the night I gathered my stuff and left too. I called Bobby and he agreed to let me stay with him for a while, at least until I can fix up one of the cars so I can go hunting on my own. Hopefully, I can fix myself up as I am fixing up the old clunker.


	3. Second Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Second Love: The hard one. You get hurt in this one. This love teaches us lessons and makes us stronger.  
This love includes great pain, lies, betrayal, abuse, drama and damage.  
But this is the one where we grow. We realize what we love about love and what we don’t love about love.  
Now we know the difference between good and bad humans. Now we become closed, careful, cautious and considerate.  
We know exactly what we want and what we don’t want…”

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/65/0b/avimjKCv_o.jpg)

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[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/12/ca/mz25KsgM_o.jpg)

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[](https://images2.imgbox.com/e8/45/HuWVYefT_o.jpg)

I was going to stop writing in this since it seems to have become more of a diary than a hunter’s journal. I’ll be twenty three next month, I’m certainly not some twelve year old girl who needs her diary to work through her feelings for her middle school crush. 

That is exactly what this feels like though, especially when Caleb picked up my journal from the truck seat last month. Fear shot through me and I yanked it out of his hands. If anything that happened between me and Sammy got out to other hunters it could cause him some problems. Me personally, I don’t give a shit. 

The only part that would bother me would be Caleb. We have become as close to friends as I can allow, and that would be gone with no way to get it back. By Halloween I had a car fixed and had dove into hunting on my own with a single mindedness that reminded everyone of my dad so much that they no longer wanted anything to do with me either. I didn't care what the thing that I was hunting was or how many of them there were.

I almost died four weeks ago. If Bobby hadn’t called Caleb when I went off after a pack of werewolves alone then I probably would be dead by now. I somehow managed to get all eight of them. The only problem was that one of them managed to claw my side before he went down. I made it out to the truck but was so dizzy from blood loss that I passed out while driving back to the motel. 

Caleb found me down the embankment and pulled me out. He called Bobby and a friend that had some medical training who was in the area. He worked some kind of medicinal magic and was able to save my life. Caleb stayed with me for the two weeks that followed before I was able to make the trip back to Bobby’s house. He still hasn’t left. I sleep in mine and Sammy’s old room and Caleb sleeps on the couch. If Bobby found this journal I don’t think that I would lose him. I really, truly believe that he already knows. 

My dad stopped by yesterday, I guess Bobby mentioned that I was staying here to another hunter, along with the reasons that I was staying here. Anyway, it got back to dad and he made it here in time to ruin what little peace that we had managed to hold onto for Christmas. He had been drinking, like always, and started in on me about Sam. He thought that I had gone straight out to California with him. I told him that he had ruined any chance that I had for that. Luckily, Caleb had already passed out, Bobby on the other hand had not, and came out with a shotgun full of rock salt. I don’t think that he really believed that Bobby would fire it. 

There was a lot said on all sides, but it ended with Bobby telling dad that if he had been a real dad and maybe paid a little more attention to his kids then he would have noticed how close we were a lot sooner. Dad went after Bobby and there was a shot fired. Just for the record, rock salt won’t kill a person, but it sure stings like a bitch. Dad left after that, but he looked like he had at least heard what Bobby had been saying. I hope he did anyway. I couldn’t quit staring at Bobby. Honestly, I was waiting for my turn to be shot. I mean, I hadn’t denied anything that was said during their exchange. 

I stood there on the porch after he went back in the house, looking at the sky and thinking about Sam. I hope he had a better Christmas Eve than me. Finally, when the cold was too much I came back into the house only to find Bobby sitting at the kitchen table with a bottle of rotgut and two glasses. I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He handed me the second glass, saying that he knew even before I came to him in August and he had taken me in then and now, so he saw no reason to make me leave. After all, nothing had changed. 

He only asked that I call Sam today, if only to wish him Merry Christmas. I agreed and finished my drink, climbing the stairs to my room. I, again, let my mind wander back to Sammy. I wondered what life at school had been like for him. I hoped that he was at least keeping himself safe, I mean he knows the things that are really out there.

That brings us to today. We had lunch, not a big Christmas dinner, but me, Bobby and Caleb made some food and did a quick swap of cheap gifts and then I ran off to the garage to make my phone call. It’s been five months since I spoke to Sam. It’s been five months since he walked out of that motel room and out of my life. 

The phone rang twice and a girl picked up. I didn’t say anything, I just hung up the phone. I couldn’t believe that he had found someone that fast. I mean, we had been drifting for a while, but still. So that’s why I’m awake writing after laying in bed unable to sleep for hours. The fact that Sam has moved on bothered me, I’m not going to lie. That’s what started the drinking and sympathetic looks from Bobby. After a few hours he finally went to bed, leaving me and Caleb in the living room finishing off the bottle. 

He didn’t ask why I was drinking. He’s an awesome friend, one that I wish I deserved. No, the main thing that was keeping me awake was guilt, or maybe it’s the fact that the only person that I have ever trusted to sleep in the bed with me was Sam. The person lying beside me now is most certainly not Sam. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have to get out of here. I’ll write Bobby a note and split while everyone is asleep. I hope that Caleb can forgive me for tonight and for leaving. I just can’t see the regret in his eyes tomorrow. Maybe once I find myself, I’ll find this journal again. Merry fucking Christmas!

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/83/7d/Koqbl5wb_o.jpg)

Dad’s missing. I went to him when I left Bobby’s. We hashed it out and put things behind us. I still talk to Caleb. It turns out that we could still be friends. That isn’t what I need right now though, I need Sam. I have to find dad and I need Sam to help me do that. I probably still wouldn’t be writing this, but it’s been four years. I haven’t called again. I guess I’m scared of what I’m going to find, or better yet who I’m going to find. What if Sammy is someone completely different? Doesn’t matter, it will still be Sammy. I hope we find dad soon though, he keeps me sane, he reminds me who I am and who I am not allowed to be anymore.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/3c/f2/cmLdppUi_o.jpg)

Well, that was a shit show. We didn’t find dad. Turns out Sam is still smart as all hell. The girl who answered the phone turned out to be Jess, Sam’s friend at the time who, by the time I showed back up in his life, had become his long time girlfriend. He still came with me to look for dad, but it felt like I was forcing him to go. I heard the woman in white tell him that he would cheat, not really sure how I feel about that. Doesn’t really matter because he played the brother role perfectly. 

I got him back to school and to Jess, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I drove around the block after dropping him off. While sitting outside his apartment, I was trying to work up the courage to either go follow dad’s coordinates or to go back up to Sam’s apartment there was a flash of light and Sam screaming. That made my decision for me, and I ran to Sam only to find Jess was on the ceiling just like mom. I still see mom, I thought that they were just nightmares brought on by dad’s drunken rambling about her.

Turns out those memories were burned into my mind and seeing Jess the same way made me freeze. Sam’s yelling brought me back, I had to get him out of there. We made it out, but of course, we couldn’t save Jess. Man, she looked so much like mom, green eyes, blonde hair and a spit fire attitude that dad once told me was mom’s most endearing trait. 

We have looked everywhere and can’t find a single thing to explain what happened the night Jess died. Sam’s spiralling, I see my self-destructive traits in him right now and it terrifies me. He’s acting like I did when he left, or maybe even worse, he is acting like our dad. We have to get out of town and find dad. He can help me save Sam, save him from becoming us.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/34/ad/TZIu6n2D_o.jpg)

I should have died. I mean, I guess I actually did. Electrocution sucks, but they brought me back. It jacked my heart up bad though. Sam took me to a freaking faith healer. If that wasn’t bad enough, it turned out that he wasn’t even a real faith healer, if there is actually such a thing. His wife was controlling a reaper and some innocent guy died because Sam couldn’t accept that it was my time to check out. 

On a positive note, he looked at me again. I think that he finally saw me as more than his brother again. It didn’t go anywhere, which I completely get, but he saw me. Then in true Winchester fashion, he lashed out at me. That is okay though, it’s a start. I thought that it was completely gone, that he had moved past our shared illness. I thought that I had moved past it because I thought that I had to. Now, I can wait as long as it takes for him to grieve Jess and be able to move forward.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/17/24/7ksJXWJm_o.jpg)

He’s gone. Son of a bitch! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I just can’t.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/cf/d0/SP4flfRq_o.jpg)

I died again. I don’t feel like that’s something that most people will ever have the opportunity to say. We lost dad too. They weren’t able to save him. The strangest part of all of it had to do with Sam though. I told him that dad didn’t say anything to me before he died. I don’t like lying to Sammy, but how do you tell someone that their own dad was afraid they would become evil? How do you tell them that he told you that you might have to kill them if you couldn’t save them? So, I lied to Sam and he kissed me. What the hell am I going to do? I have to save him. I can’t kill him, I still love him.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/dd/20/VBr5vgJF_o.jpg)

Where to begin? Sam died, I killed the demon, dad crawled out of hell, Sam’s alive again, a lot of demons escaped hell and I only have a year left to live. This time is it though, if I try to get out of it, Sam will be dead again. This time for good. I should probably explain some of that. Sam was taken. The demon gathered all the kids like Sam and had them play Survivor: Psychic Kids Edition. We were too late. I failed Sam when he needed me the most. 

I, uh, I made a deal. I had to. I couldn’t live without Sam. So, yeah, I did what I had to do. Jake, the guy who stabbed Sam, used the Colt to open a gate to hell. There were so many demons that came through that gate, and dad came through too. He helped me kill the demon. He actually looked so proud of us. 

Of course, he didn’t know that Sam died or that I sold my soul for one more year with my brother. He especially didn’t know that Sam finding out about that deal would cause us to fight like all hell, only to make up the same way that we used to. 

He definitely wouldn’t be proud of us if he knew that as I write this, my octopus of a baby brother is naked as the day he was born, sprawled over the lower half of my body and is snoring. I don’t care though. I have my Sammy back and we have one year together. I’m not going to waste it.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/17/8b/KU0ntMPv_o.jpg)

Talk about a blast from the past. I saw Lisa again. She was a lot of fun when I was trying to get over my obsession with Sammy. She has a freaking kid now. He, uh, looks a lot like me. I asked if he was mine and she said no. I don’t know if I believed her or not, but I’m going to try to. Even if he is mine, he’s better off without me in his life, so is she. Sam is acting strange, and I think he is keeping something from me.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/2c/d1/MudaUXww_o.jpg)

He’s becoming dark. He’s also distancing himself from me. I’m afraid to leave him like this. What if dad was right? I love Sammy, but if he goes darkside what will happen when I’m gone? I hope I’m wrong. We are better together and I hope that we can work this out.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/78/d0/bX50uNas_o.jpg)

Freaking Gordon Walker, I thought that we were through dealing with him. I guess we really are now, but dang that was crazy. On a serious note though, Sam made a good point. I have been acting a bit reckless, but it’s his fault. He’s pushed me so far away that I don’t even feel like I know him anymore. We sure don’t seem like we are together at this point. I miss him so much, the problem is that he’s laying in the second queen three feet away instead of in bed with me.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/99/12/6g5EEAHM_o.jpg)

Ruby was human, all demons were. I am going to become a demon. I was starting to hope that she was telling the truth about being able to save me. She told me that she was lying to Sam. Maybe she does want to help, doubtful, but maybe. I’ve lost Sam, but maybe I can still save him.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/45/ca/XcniSZ5n_o.jpg)

I don’t want to die. I don’t want Sam to die more though. I’m too drunk for this.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/e5/f0/UvxIg8dC_o.jpg)

I guess I died again, the terrified look on Sam’s face when Asia comes on the radio and the way he hovers is enough to make me believe him. So everyone knows that we are each other's biggest weakness, sacrifice is part of love right? Happy freakin Valentine’s Day!

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/68/c1/nMq76OcM_o.jpg)

I hate having to trust Ruby. She took him from me, but I’m still hoping that she can save him.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/a1/8d/0TVMOghV_o.jpg)

If anything is going to save me it’s going to have to be me. Happy Birthday Sammy!

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/7d/06/Yy8ATrPu_o.jpg)

This isn’t going to work, but I have to try, for Sam. He trusts her, I don’t. Don’t trust a demon, because demons lie. I miss Sammy with everything in me. I always knew that I was toxic to him, but I always hoped that he loved me enough to fight for me, or at least to see me. He doesn’t see me anymore, just her, just Ruby.

Sammy,

I should have thrown this book into a fire a long time ago. Instead once again I’m hiding it in our room at Bobby’s house. I guess I’m a little selfish, or, a lot selfish. It won’t help, it might even hurt, I don’t know. I want you to know how much you mean to me, what you have always meant to me. I love you Sammy. I am so sorry that I wasn’t enough for you. I’m sorry that I found the most painful ways to lash out and hurt you. If you find this, don’t hate any other people mentioned. Everything I did was on me. I love you baby boy. My time is almost up and if this doesn’t work then I won’t be able to give you a proper goodbye. So this is me trying to do that, just in case. Okay, there is enough chick flick for three lifetimes in this letter.

Love,  
Dean

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/df/df/gnMIAF0x_o.jpg)

*********************

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/46/9e/T6jqQG17_o.jpg)

I guess he didn’t find this thing. It’s probably for the best. I completely broke my no chick flick rule on a whole new level in that letter. It’s, uh, been a crazy couple of days. I can’t talk about Hell yet, not even here. 

I mean it was Hell, it’s meant to break even the strong, and it did. It completely broke me in ways that I never realized a person could be broken. Maybe later I can talk about it, or at least think about it. Not now, and it probably won’t be for a while.

On to other things, Sam has moved on. I’m not sure that I’m not still in Hell, but Castiel says that I’m not. He’s a fucking angel, but angels aren’t squishy cheeked babies with fluffy wings and harps who sit on clouds. They’re dicks, giant dicks, even if it was freakin awesome seeing those wings. 

No, I don’t deserve to be saved, no matter what he says. There were so many people, good people who died because of me, they deserved to be saved. 

Something is wrong with Sammy, well, maybe there is something wrong. I guess that he could have just changed. I doubt it, it’s only been four months here. How the hell has it only been four months? I spent forty years in hell, forty years, I can’t know how Sam is now. I’ve changed, there’s a lot wrong with me, so maybe he’s fine.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/0f/3e/m4pwh7Hv_o.jpg)

The apocalypse, Lucifer, literal ghosts of our past, this is my life.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/72/f3/pha5xvLQ_o.jpg)

Mom was a hunter, our grandparents were hunters, it makes more sense now that we are hunters. I wish I could have stopped her from making that deal. Dad would have stayed dead and we would never have been born, but the world would be safe and not just from Lucifer. 

I found out what dad meant about Sam. He was fed demon blood, freaking Yellow Eyes’ blood. What if he does go dark? I mean Cas says that he will stop him if I don’t. I gotta find Sammy, something is going on. We have to fix this, me and him against the world. That has really taken on a completely new meaning recently.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/58/98/7aSeFlQz_o.jpg)

You know if it was anyone besides Ruby I might be happy for him. I mean, I would still probably have been hurt that he moved on so quickly, but the fact that this chick is really Ruby means that he was screwing her before I died. I gave my life for his because I love him so much. I mean, I know that we hadn’t been that close since, well, a long time before I died, but still, he’s screwing a demon. He’s not only boning the demonic bitch, but he’s also using the powers that the demon blood gave him. He thinks it's a good thing. These powers come from something evil, they could never be good. I think he finally gets it though, the last case was hard on him. As long as he gets it now, then it was totally worth it.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/fd/f8/XkZptbVn_o.jpg)

I tried, I really did. Jamie was amazing, she was beautiful, witty and she knows what we do. I wouldn’t have had to lie to her. Hell, she killed the shapeshifter herself. I can’t do that to her though. Our movie would have always been a horror film with no happily ever after. Besides, I’m still crazy over my little brother. That just wouldn’t have worked.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/02/a9/WZBvCWe3_o.jpg)

That was scary! My heart almost gave out again, even though fear is something that I am very well acquainted with. This fear just wouldn't stop.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/65/09/slzSMdVV_o.jpg)

Angels are such dicks. Uriel threatened Sam, he said that he would kill him when he wasn’t useful to them anymore. Not only that, he told him that I remember Hell. It was my fault that I lied to Sam about it in the first place, but I just couldn’t talk about it. The things I did while I was there, I just wanted him to remember the good me, if there ever was a good me. On the bright side, I think Castiel is coming around. He has questions and he didn’t before. He may not be as big of a dick as the other angels after all. Sam used his power again though. I don’t want to lose him to this again. He may not be my Sammy right now, but I still don't want him to be evil Sammy, ever.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/7d/55/zCxPcI5u_o.jpg)

Sam asked me about Hell. I couldn’t lie to him again, but I couldn’t go into detail. Telling him was one of the hardest things I have ever done. He couldn’t understand but it’s okay. I don’t want him to be able to. I never want him to be in a position like that.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/d3/8f/BcAQg0OZ_o.jpg)

So, evidently Ruby saved Sam in more ways than one. She even went so far as to possess a person who was already dead. I guess, for a demon, she may not be that bad. I still don’t know if I trust her, but I can admit that she has been helpful a few times. What can I say about Anna? She, uh, was comforting. I needed that. Maybe I can do this, just maybe, I can be there for Sam as a brother. I just have to keep finding my release with others. I used girls before to keep suspicion away from me and Sam. Don’t get me wrong, they enjoyed our time together, they were just never long term. I can do that again as a distraction until I can find my someone, if I ever do. 

The worst part was that Alastair showed up. I guess if I was finally able to talk to Sam about what I did in Hell then I should be able to put it down on paper. Thirty years of my time in Hell was spent with Alistair as my personal torturer. He used others’ faces sometimes to make the torture that much worse, but he always took his own form again at the end of the day to ask me to come down off the racks and take up the knife. He offered everyday to stop my torture if I would inflict someone else’s. By the time that I couldn’t take it anymore I had been exposed to the many ways that Alistair would torture someone. 

The worst thing about it though was how good I was at it. Alistair would say how I was his best student and that I was meant to be in Hell wielding the knives. It was so natural. What does that say about me? What does it say about me that I enjoyed what I was doing, even if it was only because it meant that I was no longer being tortured? I’m done. I’m just gonna go get a drink. There’s no way that I can sleep right now.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/68/15/q1N8R5bq_o.jpg)

Stupid siren! Me and Sam have enough problems without him pitting us against each other. I miss when my Sammy looked up to me. More than that though, I miss when we trusted each other. I really miss when we were able to trust each other, before all the lies. I miss us.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/49/f6/A1v0NFK1_o.jpg)

We lost Pamela and Sam is hiding things again. I don’t know if I can save him. He’s getting further and further away from my Sammy. I don’t know what to do.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/c7/6b/OnLRkiky_o.jpg)

It’s my fault. I started the whole thing. If Alistair was the only one to have said it then I would have thought he was trying to flip the torture on me. The angels said the same thing though. I couldn’t take the torture and my weakness was what broke the first seal. Something is going on with Castiel now. He was so sure before. He doesn’t seem so sure anymore. It doesn't matter, I can’t do this. He’s just going to have to find someone else. I hate hospitals!

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/f3/d8/qJe3pYbQ_o.jpg)

Sam was supposed to want normal. I was supposed to be the one born to be a hunter. He was so ready to drop everything and go hunting when our memories were wiped, while I was the one that hesitated because I wanted stability. Sam was always my constant and without him I feel like I’m lost. As long as I had him I could live the insanity that is a hunter’s life, but without him I want something that I don’t have to worry about running towards or from. Sam must have changed. Could it be similar? I doubt it. He probably wants the excitement that Ruby offers him and that’s why he wanted to drop normal and go chasing ghosts. I don’t know if Zachariah was telling the truth about us being meant to be hunters, but it made me think about some things.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/a5/65/9pLxDkmS_o.jpg)

There are books written about me and Sam. There’s a prophet of God having visions of our lives. Sam thinks he can kill Lilith on his own. He doesn’t trust me to help him because I don’t agree with how he is going about this. He won’t listen to me because Ruby backs his every move. All we do is fight and argue now.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/46/20/0BtlqofK_o.jpg)

We had another brother. How could dad have kept that from us? Nevermind, he probably thought me and Sam would somehow mess him up too. He didn’t understand that it wasn’t that Sam was my brother. It has always been because I belonged to Sam from the very beginning. I thought that he belonged to me in a similar way, but now I’m not so sure that it wasn’t one sided. 

The point is that we had another brother and he died because dad wanted to keep him away from this life and us. We might have been able to save him if we had known he existed. I get not wanting him in this life, but if he wasn’t going to teach him how to defend himself then he should have at least let someone know that he had another son. If it had to be another hunter fine, but he should have known that Winchester luck is known to be bad luck and that something would hunt him down eventually.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/f7/14/9HzmTF2w_o.jpg)

I told him to leave. I told him to leave and never come back. I sounded so much like dad that it scared me. Ruby is leading him down such a dark path. She’s going to get him killed. I tried to take her out. Sam actually took her side over mine. I guess he chose his drug over me. He says it’s to get revenge for what Lilith did to me. I don’t believe that since I’m here now and literally begging him not to do this. We actually fought. We haven’t gone at each other that hard, maybe ever. Ruby has finally done what she has been trying to do all along. She took Sam and turned him against me.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/4b/03/OqIcIHmw_o.jpg)

Lucifer is loose. Sam opened his cage by killing Lilith. She was the last seal. The angels locked me in a room so that I couldn’t get to Sam. They wanted this all along. How can the angels want Lucifer loose? They did though and they got it. Ruby was working with Lucifer from the start. She never wanted to stop the apocalypse. She pushed Sam into what he needed to be able to do to open the cage. Cas helped me. I’m not sure if he’s back or not, but I think he is on our side again. Bobby was possessed by Meg. He stabbed himself to try and kill her. We had to take him to the hospital and he is now in a wheelchair. What kind of life is that for a hunter? I forgave Sam, but I don’t know if I will be able to trust him again.

Sammy and I have definitely had our share of disagreements over the years. There have been plenty of times when we have lied to each other, not even just about little things, but like end of the world big things. I think if anyone besides Sammy had done even a fraction of the things that he has done to me, they would have already met a bullet. I’ve lied to Sammy too though and he still has that blade put away. It could have been aimed at me several times, but wasn’t, so I think we’re doing okay.


	4. Third Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Third Love: This one comes blindly. It has no warning. It creeps up on you silently.  
You don’t go looking for this love. It comes to you.  
You can put up any wall that you want, it will be broken down. You’ll find yourself caring about that person without trying.  
They look nothing like your usual crush types, but you still get lost in their eyes. You see beauty in their imperfections.  
You hide nothing from them. You want marriage and family with them. You thank the universe for them.  
You truly love them…”

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/00/21/2RNuPrhR_o.jpg)

*********************

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/17/5f/FHN4MWf3_o.jpg)

*********************

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/c0/9f/ilp171j8_o.jpg)

Finally, the world has settled down and we can live our lives a little bit. Sure we still have to hunt the monsters and deal with Heaven and Hell’s drama, but we can also have a place to come back to after a hunt, a kitchen to make a real breakfast, we even have time to watch a few movies in between hunts. We have time to live a life alongside hunting. Now would be the time for us to try to settle down. Sammy could probably get out of hunting if he wanted to. If he does, I’m not really sure what I will do, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe I could visit him and his family, maybe I could even have some nieces and nephews. Even if I were to die inside from knowing that he wasn’t mine anymore, at least he would be happy.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/8f/ef/IsoNrHAJ_o.jpg)

We found this awesome place, I’m calling it the batcave no matter what Sammy says. It’s this huge underground bunker with a kitchen bigger than most houses, a library that puts Bobby’s to shame, bathrooms with magical hot water heaters and endless water pressure. Then there are the bedrooms, there are enough of them that we can have a game room and a movie room. The downfall to this is that we aren’t cramped together and I miss him. When you grow up living out of each other’s pockets it’s kind of strange having so much space. I want Sam to be happy, but I really wish that he could be happy with me.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/59/d0/QmoSo20T_o.jpg)

I found Sam in the map room at three in the morning. He was drinking a lot more than I have ever seen him drink. When I asked what was going on, he told me that he wanted what wasn’t his anymore. I have been trying to move on with someone else. He is in the life and Sammy knows him. I’m not sure if that’s what started his bender or not, but he hadn’t given me any indication that he still wanted to be with me. I told him that I still love him, and that would never change but that I was with someone else now. It almost killed me to say those words to him, but I can’t deal with the back and forth again. I can’t see him throw himself at someone else again just because he’s mad like he did with Ruby.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/44/7b/w5EtcJwg_o.jpg)

Sam hit it off with Eileen really well. I understand what he was going through seeing me with someone else. This is so hard because I still love him and I still want to be with him, but I have to look out for me. That’s something that I have never done before. I have always put Sammy above all else in my life, including myself. This was something that I never even considered until I had an outside person explain to me that I can protect Sammy without hurting myself.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/37/ef/CN8dnagt_o.jpg)

Today was hard, I don’t have anyone anymore. I lost Cas, who I had become very close with and on top of that Sam has Eileen. This is so hard. I think I am gonna find a bar and some company. I can’t do this alone anymore, now that I know what a healthy relationship can actually be.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/fe/9f/s3cYfWeW_o.jpg)

Sam had to come get me. I walked to the bar because I planned on getting completely trashed. Turns out that I can’t handle random hookups anymore either. There was this smokin’ hot chick, who kind of looked like Sam in chick form. She was hitting on me, so she was totally down for it. I flirted back a little bit, but when it came time to actually carry through I called Sammy instead. I could tell that he was worried about me, and I thought that telling him why would help. Turns out it did, but not in the way that I was expecting. We totally had drunk sex in the Impala. I really missed that. After, we sat on the hood and talked, it was just like in the old days. We actually talked about how we felt. That’s something that we haven’t done in a very long time. I have always known that I still loved him, but Sam is with Eileen and if I hadn’t put him in the position to cheat he never would have. I thought that I had lost my final chance with him. They are a perfect match and I believed he was in it for the long haul. He told me that he still loves me, that nothing has changed, but also that nothing can happen again until he has talked to her. He wants to be with me, he just doesn’t want to hurt her anymore than what has already been done will.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/e1/96/0RdP6azN_o.jpg)

It turns out that she already suspected that we were closer than just brothers. She already knew our past and didn’t judge us at all. She even thanked Sam for being honest about the other night. I’m pretty sure that there was more said, but the main thing is that we can be together now. I hope that we can fix some of our problems from before, the sex was always amazing, it was our communication that was always lacking. That’s all on me too, growing up I always told him no chick flick moments. He learned it well, and in a way that’s a good thing, because dad always found emotions to be a weakness. This has also caused a lot of problems between us, we have done so much that hurt the other because we couldn’t talk about the way we felt about a situation. I mean we almost ended the world because of our lack of communication and overabundance of codependency. Anyway, the point is that I want us to try to work through this so we can work through other things that come up along the way.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/16/5a/dpwXl8ZR_o.jpg)

Cas came back. He’s starting to accumulate a resurrection count that would rival a Winchester. This made things a little tense for a while though, because we were together when he died and now I’m with Sam. He knew about me and Sam before and he knew that Sam had wanted to try again before Eileen, so he was not that surprised. I explained to him that Sam helped me through losing him and that we were working toward having a more equal relationship. That was always something that concerned him, he constantly worried that if I ever tried again with Sam that I would lose what little bit of self that I had managed to build up. When I told him how this wasn’t the case and that we were both trying to be healthier this time around he seemed to accept that. We were able to move forward and continue to be friends. I hope that works out because I won’t let Sammy go again and I would like to keep Cas in my life. He is a wonderful friend who I know cares about me and Sam, and I still care for him a lot. I didn’t think that I could ever get Sam back and then the possibility came after such a huge loss and I accepted that, so I never want it to be put in jeopardy again.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/4a/5e/9aKzFREb_o.jpg)

I believe that sex makes me a chatty Cathy now. We actually had a good day yesterday for Sam’s birthday. I cooked an awesome meal, we watched movies until late, then we ‘made love’ as Sammy insists on calling it, twice. Then for some unknown reason I decided that I wanted to talk. I asked if he was happy, and I mean really happy. He told me that he was, then he brought up the fact that the only thing that he could ever want that I couldn’t give him, was children. He said that I had inspired him as a parental figure and he would have liked to be that for someone but he would rather have me than the possibility of that. It wasn’t a bad conversation, but it did point out something that I have no way to give him. I should have thought of that before I opened my mouth, but then again that hasn’t ever really been my style.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/a0/e0/j01QWF5b_o.jpg)

Last night was amazing! Sammy and I drove out to the lake where the town was having fireworks. It reminded me of when we were younger and dad would drop us off somewhere and go on a hunt. No matter what town we were in, they would always have some kind of fireworks show. I would always save up any money that I could, buy some type of little fireworks, Sammy’s eyes would light up every time. Not much has changed. When I brought the box of sparklers and bottle rockets out of the trunk he looked like that twelve year old little boy who thought that I hung the moon and stars. We played like kids again, chasing each other along the bank of the lake. I swear I fall more in love with him everyday, especially when he can be carefree and happy. That’s how he should always be.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/c2/fc/PRbka82Q_o.jpg)

Cas’s vessel, Jimmy, had a daughter. We all knew this, but Cas has been, I don’t know, looking out for her I guess. Yesterday, the demons somehow managed to get around his defenses. By the time he was able to get to her she had already been killed, but they left her son Jack sleeping in his crib in the nursery. Cas brought him to the bunker, but he refused to look at him. He told us that all he could see when he looked at Jack was how he had failed Claire. I tried to talk him down, but he handed Jack to Sam and left. Claire was raising him alone, she never mentioned his father, but the way she reacted whenever he was brought up was enough to know that he would not be looking for his son. I guess we are taking care of the kid until Cas figures out what he is going to do.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/86/4a/t8q1lM4o_o.jpg)

Christmas is a few hours away and Santa Sammy has gone freaking nuts! Cas came back a couple of weeks after leaving Jack with us. Sam had set him up in his old room, which was next to the one we share. He has a playroom the next door down and a child’s reading room across the hall. I swear, in two weeks Sam had turned the bunker into a daycare. So when Cas came in talking about turning Jack over to Children’s Services, Sammy’s heartbreak was written all over his face. I pulled Cas into the garage, trying and failing to hide my own anger and heartbreak, I begged him to please trust Sammy with Jack. I told him about my conversation with Sam about wanting kids and never having a way to make that dream come true. Then I told him that we had both fallen in love with Jack, so much so that we hadn’t been on a hunt since he came to stay with us. Cas looked a little sad and a lot surprised at this, but agreed anyway. That’s how for the last two weeks Sammy has had me in every store in Kansas buying presents, a tree to put them under and every Christmas decoration known to man. He said that since this will be Jack’s first Christmas it has to be special, and since we somehow missed all the hoopla last year that it would be the first one that we have celebrated together in an insanely long time. So, here I am putting together toys and filling stockings and I couldn’t be happier.


	5. Forever Love

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/ab/d4/EhmbWznW_o.jpg)

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[](https://images2.imgbox.com/8c/a2/X0fVB5do_o.jpg)

Looking back, I think that maybe I have had my three loves of a lifetime. I was lucky in some ways with mine, and unlucky in some other ways, but I know that it was worth all of the worry and the work that I put in. Some people search for love their entire lives, always looking, thinking what if, or if only, but me, I found mine early and even though life is always changing and we weren’t always together, we have always loved one another. I could never have done half of what I’ve done in my life without him in it. We may have had our issues but that love has been there all along, even when I couldn’t see it. 

Jack turns five today, his mom would have been so proud of him. Cas has worked out his problems with Heaven and has been working to better the other angels’ knowledge of humans. It was touch and go for a while up there, but with Gabriel siding with him, Cas was able to talk Michael around to seeing the other side of things . He has been visiting with Claire in her Heaven and she didn’t blame him for her death. Of course, she was worried about what would happen to Jack, but Cas explained that we had quit hunting and we’re raising him as our own. She was extremely grateful and only asked that we continue to stay out of the life. She didn’t want him to come to know us as his parents and then lose us too. That was fine with us and we had already decided the same thing.

We still take calls from other hunters and we connect people that have been given the numbers because of a supernatural problem with a hunter in their area. It’s kind of become a communication hub of sorts here at the bunker. Jack is able to live his life like any other child, having the normal life that Sammy had craved so much. The older he gets the more he looks like Jimmy though. This caused Cas to stay away for a while, feeling guilty for taking that from Jimmy. Jack is his grandchild and because he became Cas’s vessel he will never be able to know him. When Cas died, Jimmy’s soul went to Heaven leaving only Cas when God rebuilt him. After a while Cas came back around saying that even though he had caused Jimmy to miss out on Jack he could still have a part of him in his life. This is how he became Uncle Cas.

Even though Jack looks like Jimmy, he reminds me so much of Sam. He’s so smart! The boy loves his books so much that he spends hours in his little library that Sam set up for him. He soaks up knowledge like a sponge and loves learning new things just as much as Sam did at his age. Jack has brought so much good to our lives, because of him Sammy isn’t hunting anymore so I know that he is as safe as he can be. He glows every time Jack does something that a normal kid would do. 

Jack started t-ball this past spring and Sam has been to every game. I mean hell, I’ve only missed one. Cas took me to see Claire. I wanted her to know what Jack means to us. By the time that I got back the game was over and I was bawling like a baby. He starts kindergarten in a couple of months and being able to provide him with a stable home means the world to me. It was something that I was never able to do for Sammy and I’m so glad that I can do that for Jack, even if that stable life is in the bunker.

Sam and I have had our ups and downs just like any couple raising a young child. We had a hard time deciding whether we would tell Jack about the supernatural or not. Sammy wanted to wait, to tell him when he was older and I wanted him to know from the start. I gave into Sam for a while, but when Cas just appeared in the room one day last year, that kind of took the choice out of our hands. Jack, being as smart as he is, started asking questions and we wouldn’t lie to him outright, so we explained some things, not everything, just enough that he wouldn’t be scared of Cas but leery of anyone else just appearing. 

Other than completely normal parenting problems, we are doing quite well. We had to overcome our communication issues fairly quickly because you can’t take care of a baby and not get frustrated at times, talking about it made day-to-day life so much easier. I mean, we aren’t exactly kids anymore ourselves, it’s time that we grew up. Sammy will be thirty-six tomorrow. He’s grown into such a wonderful man and I am so proud of him. Well, it’s time to get back out to my family, god it feels so amazing to say that. I’ll never get over the amazing feeling of them being here.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/cd/e1/Yn7efro0_o.jpg)

About three weeks ago our baby boy turned eighteen. I cried like a girl. Yesterday was his high school graduation, he was valedictorian just like his daddy. He’s leaving soon, we only have him another month and then he’s going off to Stanford. I am so damn proud of him! Sam is too, especially since he’s going to his alma mater. I turned fifty-three this past January and I never thought that I would live this long. If I had kept hunting, if Jack hadn’t come into our lives, I wouldn’t have. Sam and I have shared an amazing life together. I look at him sometimes and I can still see that long-limbed teenager who was such an exhibitionist when he was drinking. I thank God for him every time that I see him, yeah, long story there, not getting into that one. 

I’m starting to realize that even without hunting I won’t live forever. I asked God about Heaven, my Heaven, he said that it wasn’t just mine. He said that Sammy and me are soulmates and that soulmates share a Heaven. We will always be together, so I’m not as afraid to die as I was before. Cas will be around forever, so he will be there for Jack, for the things that we will inevitably miss once we are gone. He won’t ever have to be alone. 

Of all the monsters that I have faced, who would have thought the one that angels wouldn’t be able to cure would be cancer? I’m so sorry Sammy.

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/b4/bb/1ouyhj0I_o.jpg)

Dean,  
I think that you knew what was coming and decided that now was the time to break our promise to always communicate with one another. I’m so glad that we were able to see the fireworks one last time, especially after reading this and finding out how much those times meant to you as well. I wish that you would have told me what was going on so at least I would have known how important each moment was.Cas helped me get your body back to the bunker and called Jack. I couldn’t do it, so I came into your old room, not the room that we shared but the one that you claimed when we first came here. That’s when I found this. I read it then went out to wait on our son. We gave you a hunter’s funeral. You were always my hero so that’s what you deserved. See you soon.

Love,  
Sammy

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/0c/bf/F1NcDzXN_o.jpg)

*********************

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/c0/18/M1scTCgr_o.jpg)

Papa, you were an amazing man and I can never thank you and dad enough for taking me in and loving me when you didn’t have to. I think dad grieved himself to death. He couldn’t stand living without you because he loved you so much. Uncle Cas helped me give him a proper hunter’s funeral this morning. I know that he can see you guys in Heaven, but I have never seen him as sad as when he handed me this journal. I will be strong, because I’m a Winchester and that’s just what we do, and I will continue to do my best to make you both proud of me. 

[](https://images2.imgbox.com/87/08/cbE5LZUT_o.jpg)

This is the last entry that will be in this journal. It’s filled with love and experiences. I wanted to save the last page for something that was important enough to belong here. It’s been over twelve years since we lost you both. I graduated Stanford, passed the bar and have been working as a lawyer ever since. I started my own firm a little over two years ago and hired an amazing girl named Amy who is an awesome lawyer with a kick ass personality. We got married last year and she just gave me the best birthday present that I could ever ask for. Samantha and Deanna Winchester were born four hours ago. They are so amazing and terrifying at the same time. I hope that I will be as good a dad to them as the two of you were to me. I love you both so much and miss you everyday, but I want you to have this back, so I’m sending it with Cas when I’m through writing this. I just wanted you to know that I’m okay and that I’m making my life. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have been given and love you guys so much!

Love,  
Your son Jack

*********************

[ ](https://images2.imgbox.com/cc/ed/ft1AtJ18_o.jpg)

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading my fic! Please let me know what you thought.


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